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Funny time machine quotes

Time machine? You mean a clock?

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My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. - 59 shares on X this week.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones. - 96 shares on X this week.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make. - 22 shares on LinkedIn this week.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life. - 30 shares on Snapchat this week.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny. - 47 shares on LinkedIn this week.

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8,003 funny quotes and pics

11,377 funny quotes topics

Updated: 1 hour ago

Trending Funny Quotes 🔥

I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left. - 5 folks are currently viewing this quote.
After all the books are banned, they’ll move on to suggestive fruit. - 5 folks are currently viewing this quote.
If I’m ever the problem, you’re the reason. - 6 folks are currently viewing this quote.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since. - 2 folks are currently viewing this quote.
A fun thing to do at work is call in sick and stay home. - 7 folks are currently viewing this quote.

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