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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇱 has copied:

Spewing nonsense online is the most fun a depressed person is allowed to have in these twisted times.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has viewed:

Hate it when my mouth says something my brain was trying to keep quiet.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has bookmarked:

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has copied:

I’m old enough to remember when the hole in the ozone layer killed us all off.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has viewed:

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has viewed:

Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has shared:

My favorite game is to guess if my headache is due to dehydration, migraine, malnutrition, stress, lack of sleep, poor position, or a brain tumor.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has copied:

If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has copied:

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2448 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,610

Funny Quotes Topics

15,283

Funny Quotes Images

12,610

Updated

5 minutes ago

Users Online

3,437

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Messenger:

Quitting my job to focus on decorating the tree.

Making waves on Telegram:

Tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read ‘killed by a bear’

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was running late due to circumstances completely within my control.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

My girlfriend just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

Putting your wedding scrapbook in the little free library is an unprecedented level of divorced.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Don’t be ashamed to fart while you urinate, cause there is no rain without thunder.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

April Fool’s next week and still no one has asked me to be their fool.

Going viral on Threads:

Feeling morally and spiritually adrift without a Sunday HBO show.

Just shared via Facebook:

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Seen just now on YouTube:

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera!

Good morning. May your day be as beautiful as I am.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
"Wow, that's a tall order for the universe! 😎🌟 Let's hope it's feeling ambitious today!"

am, beautiful, confidence, day, good, humor, i, morning, positivity, self-love

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇱🇧 has downloaded:

Bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has bookmarked:

Multitask? I can barely unitask.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has shared:

Animals are 15 minutes old and already know what to do.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has copied:

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has shared:

Laundry has to be the most sinister chore. Always waiting, always lurking.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has downloaded:

The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has downloaded:

Having a mom who cooks good food is such a big flex.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has bookmarked:

Sometimes I get really mad at myself, but not like mad enough to fight myself or anything like that.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has viewed:

You can’t spell disappointment without me.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has viewed:

What happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on WhatsApp:

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Making waves on Instagram:

I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Spotted on X:

Making waves on Telegram:

Thank God I have a cat. Who else is gonna shit in this box I have?

Trending via Snapchat:

When I try to figure out rows vs. columns, I just row away in my boat of confusion!

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Just shared via Twitch:

People always say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” … yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

You got a better chance getting chased by a dog than by me.

Just shared via Reddit:

My girlfriend wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist because he already knows what’s wrong with her.

Reported on Pinterest:

Am I the only person who hates spending the night at someone’s place? Like, we can hang out until 3 a.m., but I’m still going home.

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Good morning. May your day be as beautiful as I am.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

They monitor me harder than Britney Spears around here.

I’m not stubborn, my way is just better than yours.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on. I’m going to say something.

Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear them say, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Super excited about a brand new week of hanging on by a thread.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Breaking: man who liked me first no longer likes me.

If you’re sleep-deprived and type the symptoms into Google, you’re as good as dead.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.

I was guest-starring on The Love Boat when you woke me up. You’re dead to me.

The Scream movies were believable in the ’90s, but no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore.

Why can’t men admit when they doze off? What’s wrong with them?

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

If you love someone be brave enough to tell them. Otherwise be brave enough to watch them dating someone else.

Dating is so overrated. Let’s just get married.

Humble enough to know I can be replaced, but wise enough to know ain’t nobody else like me.

I hate listening to a rapper that I used to adore, and they just don’t have it anymore.

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Good morning. May your day be as beautiful as I am.

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