I find it extremely hard to believe that you’re rolling on the floor laughing.

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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

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My future wife is probably fake laughing at her boyfriend’s lame jokes right now. Be patient, Queen, a true clown is on the way.

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I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t make worse.

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It’s amazing to think that a Penguin wrote all of those classic books.

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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.

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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

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I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away.

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‘Blinded by the Light’ is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from ‘Back to the Future’ looks when something exciting happens.

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Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?