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Judging by the hair on my couch, I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

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I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

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Sometimes I’m grateful that thoughts don’t appear as bubbles over our heads.

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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

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At this point of my celibacy, I can see the same colors as mantis shrimp. What do you know about blorange and gurple?

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One of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through.

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I prefer to use deodorant immediately after shaving my armpits so that I can feel that I’m still alive.

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I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

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Menstruation is bizarre. It’s like something David Lynch would have came up with.

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Why go to the art museum when I can just stare at you?