5560 funny i quotes - Page 21 - Wordgag

I knew school was a scam when my business teacher didn’t own a business, and my PE teacher was fat.

May 28, 2026

It’s officially Christmas shopping season, and I can’t even afford my own life.

May 28, 2026

I will restart the entire song if you talk over my favorite part.

May 28, 2026

Telemarketer: “Hello, am I speaking to the head of the household?” Me, handing the phone to my cat: “It’s for you.”

May 28, 2026

Roses are red, tacos are delicious. I use paper plates, ’cause I hate doing dishes.

May 28, 2026

I get at least 1,000 steps in waiting for my food to be done in the microwave.

May 28, 2026

If you respond to my sarcasm with better sarcasm, then I might just catch feelings.

May 28, 2026

Every day I tell myself, “You got this,” and every day, “this” gets weirder.

May 28, 2026

I love men with a provider fetish.

May 28, 2026

Resting bitch face saves me from so many conversations I don’t want to be part of.

May 28, 2026

Need to win the lottery so I can focus on going to museums and working out.

May 28, 2026

When I get married, I want my wedding video to be filmed like it’s an episode of The Office. I want camera zooms, eye contact, side commentary— all of it.

May 28, 2026

The only Spanish I know is buenas noches, which means bonus nachos – like finding forgotten tortilla chips in your cargo shorts.

May 28, 2026

When I was a kid, I thought cicadas were the sound sunshine makes when it’s real hot outside.

May 28, 2026

Now I get why my grandma got up early to have a little coffee by herself.

May 28, 2026

This chapter of my life is called “Ummm, okay, I guess whatever.”

May 28, 2026

Gonna toot my own horn here because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies.

May 28, 2026

I consider the second page of Google results the dark web.

May 28, 2026

I hate the person I become when I try to open a package using the ‘Tear Here’ notch, and it stays sealed.

May 28, 2026

My teen believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left, and oh, how I laughed and laughed.

May 28, 2026

I always leave my friends voicemails in case they suddenly decide to be a musician and need an interlude.

May 28, 2026

I don’t mean to disrupt the hotel industry, but how about checkout is 24 hours after you check in?

May 28, 2026

I don’t know much, but I do know melancholia is a way cooler diagnosis than depression.

May 28, 2026

I wish flies spoke English, so I could say, ‘Hey, if you don’t leave right now, I am going to kill you so hard.’

May 28, 2026

I’m obsessed with adding a second completely unnecessary tweet to all my tweets, like, oh, you thought I was done.

May 28, 2026

The only narcissist I allow in my life is my cat.

May 28, 2026

I wonder if my guardian angel and my future husband’s guardian angel are in a group chat trying to coordinate.

May 28, 2026

Men be like: I would love the opportunity to give you the bare minimum.

May 28, 2026

Does anyone know where I can find true love?

May 28, 2026

I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

May 28, 2026

I lied. There’s no sex. Can you help me put this fitted sheet on my mattress?

May 28, 2026

“Do something with your life.” Um, I am. Have you heard of a little thing called squandering?

May 28, 2026

Before I started my own business, I would suffer from anxiety on Sunday nights. But now that I run my own business, I have anxiety every night.

May 28, 2026

I make sure to post my political opinions after my selfies have gone viral to cull the herd.

May 28, 2026

One of my biggest faults is that when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is.

May 28, 2026

Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

May 28, 2026

As a girl, I should be allowed to speak to the moon directly.

May 28, 2026

I hate when I lose things at work, like my favorite pen or my will to live.

May 28, 2026

Did you know that it’s actually possible to say, “I don’t know enough about this to have an opinion”?

May 28, 2026

I’m at the age where I won’t make eye contact with someone because they look like a “talker.”

May 28, 2026