2086 funny me quotes - Page 7 - Wordgag

Date idea: you tell me every thought you’ve ever had about me.

May 29, 2026

You will meet a girl who is very strange and a little bit evil. It’s really important that you don’t lose me.

May 29, 2026

There are beautiful horny women (me) being forced into celibacy due to the utter lack of worthy men in existence. This is the world we are living in now.

May 29, 2026

Having a crush on a girl makes you think things like, yes, let me make more money.

May 29, 2026

Someone from Facebook Marketplace is coming over to either buy the chairs I have for sale, or to murder me.

May 29, 2026

I lied, there’s no sex. Can you tell me a bedtime story?

May 29, 2026

If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’ll be running a 0.002K this weekend to raise awareness for laziness.

May 29, 2026

AI could never replace me, you can’t put this much self-loathing into a machine.

May 29, 2026

At the end of the day, it’s just me and me.

May 29, 2026

My guardian angel is probably preoccupied with sports betting apps and generative AI, that’s why she’s letting all these bad things happen to me.

May 29, 2026

I don’t want your hoodie, I want your still-beating heart presented to me in a box.

May 29, 2026

Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset.

May 29, 2026

Are you mad at me? Have you been mad at me? Will you be mad at me? When will you be mad at me?

May 29, 2026

The whole “read before you go to bed to get sleepy” thing does not apply to me because I will be up till 5 a.m. if the book is worth it.

May 29, 2026

Asking my boyfriend if he would still date me if an alien had done experiments on me that killed me but, as a gesture of kindness, replaced me with a perfect replica, and he was the only one who knew.

May 29, 2026

Bartender asked me to give his place a one-star Google review to keep the vibe lowkey. Insane method.

May 29, 2026

Before marriage, I would sit at a stoplight for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

May 29, 2026

One of the main reasons to drink tea is because you can say, ‘Let me put the kettle on,’ and stuff like that.

May 29, 2026

The sexual tension between me and the person I’m not supposed to have any sexual tension with.

May 29, 2026

Men playing hard to get when they’re already hard to want, is so funny to me.

May 29, 2026

New year; new me. Just kidding. I’m already awesome.

May 29, 2026

Cars should have two horns, one for “excuse me, kind friend,” and another for “curse you and your family for generations.”

May 29, 2026

I just love the lack of privacy in the pharmacy line. Just standing there shouting out my name, date of birth, and exactly what is wrong with me for the world to hear.

May 29, 2026

My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.

May 29, 2026

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles.

May 29, 2026

My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.

May 29, 2026

I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me.

May 29, 2026

Don’t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

May 29, 2026

Main difference between me and my jokes is that folks don’t laugh at my jokes.

May 29, 2026

Only bots from Nigeria are allowed to call me dear.

May 29, 2026

If I were to “picture everybody in the room naked,” I would be stunned and in awe of the beauty and diversity of the human form before me. But thanks for the advice.

May 29, 2026

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster… so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

May 29, 2026

No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don’t want to go in the first place.

May 29, 2026

My OnlyFans is just hours of me untangling Christmas lights.

May 29, 2026

Spotify Wrapped has a special talent for pulling up an artist I’ve literally never heard of and telling me I actually listen to them 2,000 times per day.

May 29, 2026

If I had a tiny girlfriend, I would love to throw her across gaps so she can pull levers and open doors that get me to her part of the level.

May 29, 2026

Source? It was revealed to me on my walk.

May 29, 2026

It scares me when you stay up late, like 3 a.m., and you hear a car go down the road, like, where are you going?

May 29, 2026

Ghosting is disrespectful unless it’s me doing it.

May 29, 2026

They’re making me get out of bed.

May 29, 2026