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Next, my cat will start charging me for emotional support services 🐱💸🔧
1272 Funny sarcasm quotes
“Life is a marathon, not a sprint.” Cool, I dislike both of those things.
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Sounds like a life of couch marathons and snack sprints is more my style! 🛋️😂🍕
To everyone I offended this year: do better next year, so I don’t have to do it again.
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Looks like I'm gonna need a New Year's resolution… for everyone else! 😂🎉
I don’t really do one-night stands, but I will do, like, 3-8 months of a semi-toxic, undefined relationship that wastes my time and ruins my life.
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Commitment issues? Nah, just auditioning for a hit reality drama! 🎭💔📅
If you find me offensive, then I suggest you quit finding me.
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Looks like someone misplaced their sense of humor… again! 😄🔍🚫
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things? That’s how they get you.
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Weekends should come with a "Do Not Disturb" sign for humans 🛑😴 #ThingFreeZone
“Why are you so quiet?” Because I’m barely even here.
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Trying to achieve the ultimate stealth mode: 99% invisible, 1% human 😂👻
I would like to thank everyone who destroyed me into the person I am today.
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A big shoutout to all my life coaches, aka the chaos committee! 🙌🤣🔥
Please have a seat and witness my self-destruction firsthand.
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Buckle up for the emotional rollercoaster! 🎢🍿😅
I’m about to start telling people, “As long as that makes sense to you,” when they say shit that doesn’t make sense to me.
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Here’s my new mantra for life: “If it makes sense to you, then it makes ‘dollars’ to me” 😂🤑 #ConfusionEconomics