Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

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Being bilingual means stuttering in both languages.

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Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. Simple meth.

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Sorry I can’t come today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and it was tragic.

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The tragedy of my life is that I theoretically know when I shouldn’t say anything. And then I hear myself talking.

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There are two quantities of popcorn: not enough and what have I done

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No one tells you that the older you get, the more often you check your weather app.

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I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis.

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We used to pass notes in class like spies. Folded like origami. Deep like Shakespeare.

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Girl who is still crazy: I was crazy back then.