I march to the beat of my own dumb.

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The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

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God: “You’re all really bad at this.”

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I miss when The Weeknd was making sex-addict-on-drugs music.

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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

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The season is back when women are 80% scarf.

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Microsoft Teams needs to add a “spank” reaction for when I want to reprimand my employees during a video call.

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My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out.

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Why do birds love going apeshit first thing in the morning?

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If I ever go missing, check the snack aisle. I’m probably just deciding.

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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”