One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you have a favorite stove burner.

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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

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“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

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Things will be fine, eventually—in thousands of years—for rocks.

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Getting a lawn sign so people know what I think today.

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If I had known how much care balcony plants need, I could have stopped taking the pill.

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At 20, I was unstoppable; at 30, I’m just unstartable.

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I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

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Are you a software update, because not now!

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I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart.

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Bowling: The most fun you can have wearing someone else’s shoes.