My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Don’t break someone’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining. Posted onMay 20, 2026
When I take a shower I’m: 5% cleaning myself, 10% singing, 85% making life changing decisions. Posted onMay 20, 2026
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches? Posted onMay 20, 2026
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I don’t always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I’m not lazy, I’m waiting for inspiration to hit me… should be here any time now. Posted onMay 20, 2026
You know you’re getting old when you clean the house to the music you used to go out to. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behavior. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back Posted onMay 20, 2026
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream. Posted onMay 20, 2026
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Posted onMay 20, 2026
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house I won’t kill it, I’d buy another house. Posted onMay 20, 2026