Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon. Posted onMay 20, 2026
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Don’t break someone’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining. Posted onMay 20, 2026
When I take a shower I’m: 5% cleaning myself, 10% singing, 85% making life changing decisions. Posted onMay 20, 2026
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches? Posted onMay 20, 2026
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I don’t always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I’m not lazy, I’m waiting for inspiration to hit me… should be here any time now. Posted onMay 20, 2026
You know you’re getting old when you clean the house to the music you used to go out to. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behavior. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back Posted onMay 20, 2026
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people. Posted onMay 20, 2026