Thought I was a minimalist, turns out I’m just broke.

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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never.”

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Blowing over it is also dusting.

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Jesus turned water into wine. I turn food into fertilizer. We are not the same.

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Be the nonsense you wish to see in the world.

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You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you’re full of energy and you can’t wait to get to work? Me neither!

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I’m sorry, but I already have an A.I. boyfriend.

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There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you’d have no idea.

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Remember before social media you would have to pick up the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon?

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Whenever I feel like I hate my job, I remind myself that I could be a food taster for the emperor.

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When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.