Waitress: “Do you have any questions about the menu?” Me: “What kind of font is this?

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I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just very close.

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Yabba dabba doo used to be a rad way to start a Saturday.

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I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn. It’s dead yarn now though.

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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around and ask you for $20.

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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

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Shaking my head like an Etch a Sketch to get my thoughts right.

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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked, I’m 4 people.

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Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

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Single, not sure how to mingle.

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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.