Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • Me before grocery shopping: only healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this. Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows?
  • I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
  • I’m not athletic, but I’m good at jumping to conclusions.
  • A fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
  • You live in a great city when you get pooped on by a seagull instead of a pigeon.
  • Looking forward to eight hours of trying to get four hours of sleep tonight.