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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇩 has shared:

You’ll be fighting for your life financially and that’s when all your toiletries finish at the same time.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has viewed:

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has viewed:

Being an iPad baby must be so exciting. Imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing Candy Crush.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has viewed:

November doesn’t have afternoons. It’s just morning until 2 p.m., then night.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has shared:

It feels like it costs $100 a day just to exist anymore.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has downloaded:

Nothing hurts more than someone not getting your joke.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has viewed:

Sorry I was late, I was frantically applying to other jobs.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has shared:

I have been touched inappropriately by the sun today.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has copied:

Me passing someone: you slow mule! Me being passed: okay, speed racer!

Someone from 🇨🇿 has shared:

I love how a film can be life-changing for one person and boring for another.

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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3,452

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via LinkedIn:

A cheat code to adulting is to always have something to look forward to, no matter how small or big.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Why are there people outside at the same time as me? It’s my turn.

Making waves on Reddit:

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

Spotted on Snapchat:

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Seen just now on Threads:

The early bird gets to cry for a little bit longer in the work parking lot.

Shared recently on Threads:

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life. It’s just a hobby.

Just shared via YouTube:

I keep my mind active by worrying.

Breaking via Threads:

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Seen just now on Discord:

Hey, can I get an ETA on that “this too shall pass”?

Going viral on Snapchat:

Unless you fell off the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.

Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

2 months ago

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When foreplay involves potatoes, I'm all in! 🥔🔥😂

chop, chopping, cooking, crispy, delicious, food, foreplay, great, humor, i, joke, oven, peel, peeling, pieces, roast, roasting, where

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16 shares on WeChat this month:

Brother: What are you bringing to Thanksgiving dinner? Me: Wine and unresolved issues. They pair nicely.

71 shares on Facebook this month:

Twitter sucks so much, but randomly there are such funny tweets, so I wait, like a frog, for one delicious fly.

98 shares on Instagram this month:

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something, please let me know.

48 shares on YouTube this month:

Teaching myself ukulele! Neighbor keeping the beat on my wall!

72 shares on Telegram this month:

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

29 shares on LinkedIn this month:

People who scream sneeze need their own island.

98 shares on Telegram this month:

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

11 shares on Messenger this month:

No one knows what I’m up to, not even me.

23 shares on X this month:

Hiking in your 40s is a great way to meet new people. Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus.

36 shares on WhatsApp this month:

You’re not lazy, you’re just buffering in HD.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇳 has copied:

What if all the ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?

Someone from 🇲🇿 has downloaded:

Can’t wait to overuse the “My husband said,” “Let me phone my husband,” “I’ll ask my husband.”

Someone from 🇹🇹 has bookmarked:

A dinosaur as a pet would solve so many problems. Mainly, people problems.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has downloaded:

Children really brighten up a home. They never turn the lights off, …

Someone from 🇸🇦 has bookmarked:

I’m so old, I used to cry as a child because I fell off my skateboard or bike, not because I didn’t have wifi.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has viewed:

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has viewed:

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has downloaded:

I hate interviewing. Just hire me. I stand on business, for real.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has downloaded:

I’d pretend to care about football for you.

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on X:

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Going viral on YouTube:

If Wonka had a spaghetti factory, I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast.

Going bananas on Discord:

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Just landed via WeChat:

ADHD is: being pretty good at basically anything you want to be, and absolutely terrible at anything you need to do to live.

Seen just now on Telegram:

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying “What?” to this person?

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Thought getting captured by cannibals would be terrifying, but they’re actually feeding me really well.

Shared recently on Telegram:

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me.

Spreading quickly via TikTok:

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark. Yeah, me too.

Shared recently on WeChat:

I’ll never salute you, General Settings.

Just landed via Messenger:

What’s a girl gotta do to feel a dopamine high around here?

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Activity Log ✨

Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.

I’ve been a main character since birth.

My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree.

Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

Wearing shorts and my pale legs screamed at the sensation of sunlight like vampires.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.

I’ve been a main character since birth.

My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree.

Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

I love having plans to cancel.

Wearing shorts and my pale legs screamed at the sensation of sunlight like vampires.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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