Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

63 shares on Pinterest this month:

Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.

100 shares on Messenger this month:

I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

71 shares on LinkedIn this month:

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for some random stuff every other day.

83 shares on Pinterest this month:

I hate when people ask me: “Why are you so quiet?” Because I am. That’s how I function. I don’t ask others, “Why do you talk so much?” It’s rude.

23 shares on YouTube this month:

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, then plug me back in. See if that works.

87 shares on WeChat this month:

Laying next to my charger waiting for my phone to die, that’s how lazy I am.

25 shares on WeChat this month:

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower tastes like ribs.

55 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Welcome to your 40s. A random back pain will be assigned to you shortly, and you’ll never know what flares it up every time.

25 shares on Threads this month:

Making things weird is probably the only thing I’m good at.

36 shares on Pinterest this month:

Some of you are still single because, when someone sends you romantic words, you reply with “hahaha.”