Commentary:
"Looks like this person has a magnetic pull for all the crazies 🌀🤪 Better swipe right on a therapist instead! #AttractingPsychos"
371 Funny ever quotes
If you ever see me running, it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van.
Commentary:
"Running is my form of therapy – either fleeing my responsibilities or chasing after happiness in the form of ice cream cones! 🏃♂️🍦#LifeMotto"
When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.
Commentary:
Looks like the rhombus got voted off the elementary school island, never to be seen again! 🔺 Farewell, rhombus, you were acute one! 🤣 #GeometryGoneMissing
Getting a key tattoo, but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo, so no one ever finds it.
Commentary:
"Talk about keeping your secrets on lock! 🗝️🚪 Nothing says 'exclusive entrance' quite like a key hidden under a doormat. Maybe it's the secret passageway to the land of dad jokes! 😉 #UnlockThePunchlines"
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
Commentary:
"Who knew that dining out was just a fancy way of indirectly feeding the porcelain throne? 🤔🚽💸 Next time you treat yourself to a meal, remember, you're just investing in the plumbing system! 😂🍽️ #FoodForThought"
If I ever go missing, please print my picture on wine bottles and not on milk boxes. My friends are more likely to find me then.
Commentary:
"If I vanish into thin air, just slap my face on some wine bottles 🍷 My friends will be more inclined to go searching in the vineyards than in the dairy aisle! Who needs a missing persons alert when you have a grape escape plan 😉 #WineNotFindMe"
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hot dogs! hot dogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hot dogs.
Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal quest for the perfect hot dog at a baseball game! 🌭🎶 Just imagine me, belting out 'hot dogs! hot dogs!' like a culinary symphony conductor in the stands. 🌭🎵 Who needs peanuts and cracker jacks when you've got a serious hot dog mission to fulfill?"
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Commentary:
"Indeed, the real question here is, why would you waste a good cake like that? 🎂🤷♂️ Perhaps they should start a 'Cake-In' trend instead, where people pop out from the center and enjoy a slice or two! 🍰😂"
If I was ever told to “dress to impress”, my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out.
Commentary:
"Who needs a fancy suit when you can have the Bat-suit? 🦇💼 Talk about making a lasting impression! Just imagine showing up at a formal event in full Batman gear – now that's how you steal the show! 😂 #DressToImpress"
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?” And then do the opposite of that.
Commentary:
"When faced with discomfort, simply channel your inner teenage self – the master of questionable decisions and rebellious choices! 💁♂️ But remember, this time opt for the mature and responsible route instead! Your future self will thank you for avoiding the drama! 🙌😅"