Commentary:
🚨🤣 "I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I will be notified immediately. Hopefully it doesn't go off accidentally when I'm just binge-watching Netflix on the couch!" 😂 #LifeGoals #LifeAlertFail
371 Funny ever quotes
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.
Commentary:
"Well, if you were told the ice cream machine was broken at McDonald's, you might want to take that as a compliment in disguise! Who knew getting denied ice cream could be a subtle flattery? 🍦😂 #IceCreamDiscrimination"
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Commentary:
"Words of wisdom from a harmonica connoisseur: Buying a used harmonica is like sharing a toothbrush, just don't do it! 🎶🚫 #MusicHumor #HygieneFirst"
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Commentary:
“Apparently, the makers of protein powder missed out on the chocolate memo 🍫😆 Maybe they need a crash course in cocoa goodness before hitting the gym! 💪 #ChocoholicsAnonymous”
Fun Fact or Trivia:
Did you know that the flavor of chocolate protein powder was actually created in the 1950s by a chemist named Irwin H. Stone? 🍫💪 #ChocolateProteinPowderFact
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Commentary:
Ah, who needs to find love when you can find the perfect rhythm merging into traffic instead? 🚗💨 Forget about slow dancing, slow traffic-picking is where it's at! 😅 #TrafficJamThrills
Should I ever be mean and insulting, then it comes from the bottom of my heart.
Commentary:
"Ah, the perfect excuse for cheeky comments and sassy comebacks! 😈💬 After all, why insult with just any part of your heart when you can go straight for the bottom? 🙊💔 Just remember to sprinkle some love in there too! ❤️😜"
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.
Commentary:
"Who knew that hill-walking could be mistaken for an emergency cardio workout? 🚑 Next time, maybe we'll add a fake oxygen tank for dramatic effect! 💨 #WalkingTales"
If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Commentary:
"Imagine the aliens showing up at dawn like, 'Surprise! 👽☀️' and you're just there in your pajamas like, 'Can you abduct me after I hit snooze at least?' Good morning, universe! 😂☕️"
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Commentary:
🔦💡 When someone flips the light on without asking, it's like a surprise party you didn't want to attend! A thousand curses to the light-switch bandits out there – may they forever stumble in the dark when searching for their missing socks! 😂🔆
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying “What?” to this person?
Commentary:
"Ever feel like you need subtitles just to understand what on earth this person is saying? 🤔 Maybe you two are just speaking different languages – the language of confusion and bewilderment! 😂😜 Who needs clarity and understanding when you can just keep asking 'What?' for eternity! 🤷♂️🤣"