1624 funny joke quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

I got Botox, and I asked the doctor, “How many years younger will this make me look?” and he was like, “Zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who have also gotten Botox.”

May 29, 2026

Sorry, babe, can’t right now. The group chat is active, and I’m trying to get my joke in before they change topics.

May 29, 2026

The only thing faster than an escalator is an escasooner.

May 29, 2026

Americans are funny, man. “It’s 72 degrees outside.” Bro, I don’t speak oven.

May 29, 2026

If by ‘leg day’ you mean a day that we put your legs on my shoulders, then yes, I love leg day.

May 29, 2026

It’s leg day. No, not at the gym, dummy. I’m shaving them.

May 29, 2026

If you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia, you risk getting stoned.

May 29, 2026

I lied, there’s no sex. Can you tell me a bedtime story?

May 29, 2026

If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’ll be running a 0.002K this weekend to raise awareness for laziness.

May 29, 2026

My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.

May 29, 2026

My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

May 29, 2026

I’m old enough to remember when FIFA was about kicking balls, not sucking them.

May 29, 2026

The 69 obsession turning into 67 is a recession indicator.

May 29, 2026

If Liverpool play Real Madrid right now, both teams will lose the game.

May 29, 2026

Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages?

May 29, 2026

That thing they say about getting drunk with the love of your life in a walkable city is no joke. It hits like crack.

May 29, 2026

New year; new me. Just kidding. I’m already awesome.

May 29, 2026

I’m so introverted, I only listen to house music.

May 29, 2026

I love that the entire economy is just different types of scams now.

May 29, 2026

My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.

May 29, 2026

I don’t understand, “kill them with kindness”; can I use a lightsaber instead?

May 29, 2026

Main difference between me and my jokes is that folks don’t laugh at my jokes.

May 29, 2026

“I’m asking Santa to bring some of you a sense of humor for Christmas.”

May 29, 2026

I say things I don’t mean on spicy chicken.

May 29, 2026

Guys, stop showering. I need the water for ChatGPT.

May 29, 2026

My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him.

May 29, 2026

Tonight we shall read a passage from the old testicle.

May 29, 2026

I would do absolutely anything to get 8 hours of sleep, except for going to bed 8 hours before I need to wake up.

May 29, 2026

Behold the majestic elephant in its natural habitat, the room.

May 29, 2026

Forget about “long story short”… I’m gonna start saying “short story long,” and take you on a journey you didn’t ask for.

May 29, 2026

I’ve been asked to join a swingers club, but I’m a little nervous. What if I’m not good enough? I haven’t been on a swing since I was 9.

May 29, 2026

The oceans are rising because no one is drinking their recommended 8-12 glasses of water per day.

May 29, 2026

Caffeine isn’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat a gun.

May 29, 2026

Hey girl, are you a burger? Because I love you.

May 29, 2026

My bit for Thanksgiving is going to be constantly bringing up politics, but pronouncing every politician’s name slightly incorrectly.

May 29, 2026

In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else.

May 29, 2026

I only squeak when I’m squoken to.

May 29, 2026

Me: Hello, darkness, my old friend. Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

May 29, 2026

Me in hell: “So did it hurt when you fell from heaven.” Lucifer: “Get out!”

May 29, 2026

I lied, I’m jealous. I hope every girl who looks at you gets clipped by a meteor.

May 29, 2026