Of course your crush is going to leave their spouse for you. That’s how delusions work.

Thinking of telling my extra weight that I love it so that it can leave me too.

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

Lasagna has never broken my heart. Just saying.

In a relationship with my heated car seat.

I love routine. Until I’m bored, then I love excitement. Until I’m overwhelmed, then I love routine.

Your annoying online persona has captured my heart.

Relationship status: I love my bed.

Spiders are the only web developers who love finding bugs.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend clearly has never met shredded cheese.

I thrive in a waiting room. You need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries, love, I do this at home.

It’s crazy that we’re closer to the year 3000 then I am to finding love.

I’ve reached the conclusion that all men love thigh high stockings.

If I was polyamorous, I think Id date my girlfriend three times.

I had to quit my job because people kept falling in love with me there.

Men need women, women need men. The end.

Me, unwrapping a gift: Oh wow, an item. I love these!

I love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is β€œso yeah…”

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

I love cutting off Teslas. Like you may not let me merge over but your car sure as hell will.