2084 funny me quotes - Page 9 - Wordgag

If you meet me and I’m talking to myself, just keep walking. I’m self-employed and I’m in a meeting with senior management.

May 23, 2026

Please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. I’m fine!

May 23, 2026

Last night my guardian angel came to me, covered me up, gave me a kiss on the forehead and whispered in my ear: “You’re a pain in the ass!”

May 23, 2026

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

May 23, 2026

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch.

May 23, 2026

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

May 23, 2026

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom, so I showed her my organized sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding.

May 23, 2026

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time.

May 23, 2026

The best way to reach me is with intelligence and humor.

May 23, 2026

Don’t tell me that everything was better in the past. I was there.

May 23, 2026

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

May 23, 2026

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

May 23, 2026

Tip on how best to start a conversation with me: Not at all.

May 23, 2026

Please be delicate with me, I’m built like a Nature Valley bar.

May 23, 2026

Surely, this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson.

May 23, 2026

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

May 23, 2026

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

May 23, 2026

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

May 23, 2026

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

May 23, 2026

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it.

May 23, 2026

To whoever stole my oversized clock, you owe me big time.

May 23, 2026

Dear God, thank you for the job I have. But if you have a lottery win planned for me, I’m ready! Thank you.

May 23, 2026

The only traditional costume people around me wear is sweatpants.

May 23, 2026

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “Ughhh, make me longer!”

May 23, 2026

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

May 23, 2026

Meds have done more for me than any man ever could.

May 23, 2026

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

May 23, 2026

Them: “Ugh, could you be more annoying?” Me: “Oh God, yes!”

May 23, 2026

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

May 23, 2026

“Seize the day!” No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

May 23, 2026

If my son ever came out as gay, I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

May 23, 2026

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

May 23, 2026

I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.

May 23, 2026

When I see chocolate, I hear two voices inside me. One says: “Eat it!”. The other says: “Did you hear that? You’re supposed to eat it!”

May 23, 2026

Ninety percent of my new follows are beautiful women, which tells me one thing: I’ve still got it!

May 23, 2026

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”, replying with “well, I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response.

May 23, 2026

Nike: Just Do It! Me: I don’t want to.

May 23, 2026

I want a man who doesn’t annoy me while I’m constantly getting on his nerves. It can’t be that difficult.

May 23, 2026

They’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo.

May 23, 2026

Seeing an animal sigh is so funny to me. Like, what happened, buddy?

May 23, 2026