Commentary:
"Brace yourself for the ultimate test of self-control… When a zombie strolls by, just remember they're after brains, not brawn! 💀🏃♀️🍽️ #ZombieProblems"
72 Funny past quotes
I’m ready for a new relationship. My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Commentary:
Looks like this person is taking the term "growing in a relationship" quite literally! 🍅🌱 Who knew heartbreak could be so nourishing for the garden? Talk about turning emotional baggage into literal fruits of labor! 🤣 #RelationshipGoals #LoveGrowsInMysteriousWays
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Commentary:
🍝 "Who needs a time machine when you have a pasta maker? Change your carbs, change your destiny! 🕰️✨ #PastaOverPast"
There has been a British voice in my head saying, “Bit sad innit,” for the past few weeks.
Commentary:
Sounds like your inner monologue just switched to BBC mode! 🇬🇧😆
I hate when people can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.
Commentary:
"Debt collectors really know how to hold a grudge, huh? 😂 It's like they never forget that one time you missed a payment five years ago! 📅💸 Let's hope they have a better memory for their own birthdays! 🎉🤣"
How long past date can I eat eggs? Like are they still good or am I naming them now?
Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal egg conundrum! 🍳🤔 Just remember, eggs don't come with a best before date imprinted on them like a secret code. It's all about the float test: if they sink, they're wink-wink 😉, but if they float, it's a firm nope! 🥚⛵️ Don't let those eggs go rogue and turn into a science project, unless you're looking for a new pet bacteria!
Ever looked at your ex and wondered, was I drunk the entire relationship?
Commentary:
"Ever looked at your ex and wondered, was I drunk the entire relationship? 🍷🤔 Maybe love really is like a fine wine, better with a little buzz 😂🍇 #RelationshipReflections"
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
Commentary:
"Ah yes, the classic case of past self vs current self showdown! 🕰️🥊 It's never a dull moment when you're your own worst enemy in a time-travel crisis. Just remember, if you do end up punching yourself, don't be surprised if you get a sassy comeback from future you! 😆👊 #TimeTravelTroubles"
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window, mind your business.
Commentary:
Looks like someone is on an impromptu journey to the land of flying monkeys and emerald cities! 🌪️✈️ Better stay out of their way or you might end up with a house on your head! 🏠😂 #WindyDayAntics
Waking up early is always beneficial. You just gotta make it past those first 10 minutes of being irritated.
Commentary:
Ah, yes, those glorious first 10 minutes when I'm less human and more of a grumpy cat! 😾⏰