I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

69 shares on Discord this month:

I just need a little time to warm up to you, and then I’ll be super fun, I promise—1-2 years at most.

64 shares on Snapchat this month:

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

44 shares on Telegram this month:

Does anyone play Trivial Pursuit anymore, or did it retire with the encyclopedias?

89 shares on Slack this month:

Insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the Ph. D.! Why are you attacking me? I’m so tired.

98 shares on Instagram this month:

What I’ve learned in all these years of marriage is how to open a bottle of beer silently.

92 shares on Instagram this month:

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

95 shares on LinkedIn this month:

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

17 shares on Telegram this month:

Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to pass med school so you better start eating healthy.

35 shares on Telegram this month:

If you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight, the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit.

69 shares on Facebook this month:

I made coffee and carried it to the couch. I’ve done everything I had planned for this Sunday.