My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’90s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the garage.

55 shares on Messenger this month:

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate.

75 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.

36 shares on WeChat this month:

A pet resting their little paw on you is a sign of respect in their culture.

61 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

16 shares on Snapchat this month:

My sex life is so dead, it has its own tombstone.

28 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Remember when tweets were like: party rocking with a mouse tonight. Piece of cheese gonna have a big bite.

65 shares on Messenger this month:

Trust my gut? The thing that can’t even handle milk.

34 shares on Telegram this month:

SEO experts be like: I was eating a banana when my traffic increased, so bananas are definitely a ranking factor.

32 shares on Telegram this month:

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

24 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible.