My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth.

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My soulmate probably seen my posts and deleted me.

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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

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The male urge to tell you what business used to be located there back in his day.

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I march to the beat of my own dumb.

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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

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You can tell a lot about a person by breaking into their home and going through their belongings.

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If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due, I would say “What do you mean?”

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A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble.

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I’m always happy when I come home from shopping and the note on the table reminds me of what I wanted to buy.