The Velvet Underground probably wouldn’t have been so influential if I was at their shows with a giant magnet and pulled their guitars out of their hands.

84 shares on Discord this month:

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

91 shares on Messenger this month:

Relationships are only serious when photos are posted by a man.

53 shares on Discord this month:

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

48 shares on Reddit this month:

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.

84 shares on Facebook this month:

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

99 shares on Reddit this month:

Spent most of the day making sure the couch still works. So far so good.

46 shares on Messenger this month:

If I were god, I would’ve rested all 7 days.

84 shares on Pinterest this month:

Everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places.

88 shares on Facebook this month:

I always wonder who makes a more stupid face: women putting on make-up or men shaving?

82 shares on Instagram this month:

The fact that someone looked straight at a purple onion and named it red onion really bothers me.