First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

61 shares on Telegram this month:

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

97 shares on Pinterest this month:

Roses are red. Pizza sauce is too. I ordered a large. And none of it’s for you.

61 shares on Messenger this month:

Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

66 shares on Messenger this month:

Getting older is so fun. Your life goals slowly transition from things like ‘land a dream job’ to ‘successfully grow a cherry tomato.’

49 shares on Instagram this month:

No, sorry, next week won’t work. I’ll be a shadow of what I once was.

77 shares on Snapchat this month:

Of course, a wife can complain to her mother-in-law. She has every right to complain to the manufacturer.

71 shares on Twitch this month:

I’d make room in my pillow fort for you.

84 shares on Instagram this month:

Who decided that skeletons are scary? Because honestly, I’d be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room.

45 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Ugh, sometimes I just wish there was a song about liking to move it, move it.

59 shares on Facebook this month:

It was me, I let the dogs out.