First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

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Sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do.

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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

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Has anybody else completely lost it or is it just me and Kanye?

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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed their chest because of their belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

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Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

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After 30, an all-nighter is not getting up to pee.

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Due to inflation and tariffs, my love now costs a thing.

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Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

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I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.