1662 funny irony quotes - Page 33 - Wordgag

This place was really tidy yesterday. It’s a shame you missed it.

May 22, 2026

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

May 22, 2026

Every year, just in time for Christmas, when it’s freezing cold, the Coca Cola truck shows up. Now, in this freaking heat, it’s nowhere to be seen.

May 22, 2026

It’s a little ironic when you consider that the Internet was invented to save time.

May 22, 2026

Okay, I’ve proved I’m not a robot, now you prove you’re not a human.

May 22, 2026

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic, now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

May 22, 2026May 22, 2026

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there?

May 22, 2026

Funny thing about zombie movies – they never seem to go after the cameraman.

May 22, 2026

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

May 22, 2026

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

May 22, 2026

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

May 22, 2026

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

May 22, 2026

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations.

May 22, 2026

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

May 22, 2026

I will never fall victim to groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest nonsense you’ve ever heard.

May 22, 2026

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

May 22, 2026

The history of mankind would have been completely different if Adam and Eve had been Chinese. They would have left the apple hanging and eaten the snake.

May 22, 2026

Why would I work from home when I don’t even work from work?

May 21, 2026

Yes, hello, I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth, please.

May 21, 2026

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

May 21, 2026

Please don’t ask me about my dream job. I would never work in my dreams.

May 21, 2026

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

May 21, 2026

Me, when someone’s obsessed with me: Yikes! Me, when someone’s not obsessed with me: WTF?

May 21, 2026

I regret to inform you that the secret to appearing well-read is to read.

May 21, 2026

People think I’m a minimalist, but I’m just broke.

May 21, 2026

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

May 21, 2026

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat.

May 21, 2026

This is not an empty room, this is a very successful anti-party.

May 21, 2026

Since I tolerate gluten and lactose well, I can afford a few intolerances in the interpersonal area.

May 21, 2026

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent.

May 21, 2026

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

May 21, 2026

They should invent a rest for the wicked.

May 21, 2026

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

May 21, 2026

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

May 21, 2026

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny, then all of a sudden you know trigonometry.

May 21, 2026

Why’s it always “NYC smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”?

May 21, 2026

I always fear that one day I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet.

May 21, 2026

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

May 21, 2026

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies.

May 21, 2026

People drive you insane and then say “see, I told you that you’re insane.”

May 21, 2026