161 funny marriage quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

May 25, 2026

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years. Then we met.

May 25, 2026

I got all my marriage skills from watching Al Bundy.

May 25, 2026

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

May 25, 2026

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

May 25, 2026

Threatening my wife with a tariff every time she makes fun of me.

May 25, 2026

Dating is so overrated. Let’s just get married.

May 25, 2026

Doctors diagnosed me as your future wife.

May 24, 2026

Statistically speaking, people don’t object enough at weddings.

May 24, 2026

Misses Claus only married Santa because of his big sack.

May 24, 2026

You don’t scare me, I was married once.

May 24, 2026

A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

May 24, 2026

The plan was simple: finish school, find a job and get married at 25. But now I don’t understand anything anymore.

May 24, 2026

Please pray for my husband, he’s struggling to find me.

May 24, 2026

How do you tell someone that you will probably end up marrying them, but in a casual way?

May 24, 2026

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

May 24, 2026

Keeping my mouth shut is usually not enough to avoid an argument with my husband. I also have to deactivate the subtitle function on my face.

May 23, 2026

I’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (I love you)

May 23, 2026

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid.

May 23, 2026

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

May 23, 2026

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

May 23, 2026

Once married, the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket.

May 23, 2026

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

May 23, 2026

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

May 23, 2026

Weddings should have a worst man.

May 23, 2026

Y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

May 23, 2026

Getting married soon. Just need a spouse.

May 22, 2026

When I say I’m saving myself for marriage, what I mean is you won’t know how annoying I am until it’s too late.

May 22, 2026

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

May 22, 2026

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out.

May 22, 2026

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with fake tan.

May 22, 2026

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout.

May 22, 2026

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast, it had to be done by Elvis.

May 22, 2026

Those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

May 22, 2026

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

May 22, 2026

Biblical loophole: It’s not premarital sex if you never intend to get married.

May 22, 2026

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately knows what to do.

May 22, 2026

What I’ve learned in all these years of marriage is how to open a bottle of beer silently.

May 22, 2026

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time, and then they marry each other.

May 22, 2026

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

May 22, 2026