2086 funny me quotes - Page 14 - Wordgag

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

May 27, 2026May 27, 2026

I’m at the age where, if you ask me to go out after 9 p.m., I’m definitely not coming.

May 27, 2026

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on. I’m going to say something.

May 27, 2026

People call me a “Trekkie,” but I’m not. I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times.

May 27, 2026

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

May 27, 2026

Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

May 27, 2026

My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.

May 27, 2026

I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.

May 27, 2026May 27, 2026

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here pumping gas until the dollar amount ends with 0.

May 27, 2026

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip.

May 27, 2026

Nobody gives me butterflies anymore. Y’all just give me brain damage.

May 27, 2026

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current.”

May 27, 2026

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

May 27, 2026

I never thought I would say this, and it took me a while to come to terms, but I think I ate too much bacon.

May 27, 2026

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

May 27, 2026

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money, I’d become a professional nap taker.

May 27, 2026

They’re releasing another “Jurassic” movie. Let me guess: The dinosaurs get loose.

May 27, 2026

Can someone come over and take this phone away from me?

May 27, 2026

When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

May 27, 2026

If you call me “daddy” in bed, I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room.

May 27, 2026

I think you misunderstood – when I said, “Let me look into it,” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet.”

May 27, 2026

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it’s not that I lied; it’s just that I failed.

May 27, 2026

Today, I’m wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.

May 27, 2026

Group projects taught me how to do everything alone and trust no one.

May 27, 2026

My morning coffee makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together. I don’t, but it makes me feel like I do.

May 27, 2026

I assume people who bookmark my posts are building a case against me.

May 27, 2026

Dating me is super easy. I text you at 8; you reply at 8:00:01.

May 27, 2026

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.

May 27, 2026

They hooked up tubes and sensors, but the doctor still can’t figure out why my kisses are so sweet. They want to hold me overnight and “never let go.”

May 27, 2026

I’m a social media influencer in that I’ve influenced people to ignore me on social media.

May 27, 2026

This whole “having a job” thing is really getting in the way of me having my best life.

May 27, 2026

Ok, hear me out: a reality show where billionaire CEOs have to live off of their lowest-paid employees’ salaries for a month.

May 27, 2026

If anything I post makes you mad, just know that it pleases me.

May 27, 2026

So, you’re telling me I’m just supposed to get up every day and keep living like this? Seems like a scam to me.

May 27, 2026

…and so ends another week of me not becoming unexpectedly rich.

May 27, 2026

The zero likes won’t stop me from posting. I will talk to myself if I have to.

May 27, 2026

Roses are red. Blue got me thinking. I reckon it’s time for some excessive day drinking…

May 27, 2026

Don’t ask me for work advice, I’m just going to tell you to quit your job.

May 27, 2026

I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

May 27, 2026

My dog understands several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.

May 27, 2026