130 funny show quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

I said it was my favorite show, I didn’t say it was good.

May 24, 2026

A frightening number of young people alive today don’t know about Knight Rider.

May 24, 2026

Sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. It’s not you, it’s just past 10pm.

May 24, 2026

Don’t flirt with me. I’ll show up at your house and start eating all your snacks.

May 24, 2026

No show does a misunderstanding / miscommunication plot better than Modern Family does.

May 24, 2026

I’m not enjoying this slow-burn apocalypse. I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show.

May 23, 2026

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

May 23, 2026

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

May 23, 2026

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.

May 23, 2026

We need a true crime show called Downtown Stabby.

May 23, 2026

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

May 23, 2026

Don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. Show them you can’t.

May 23, 2026

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

May 23, 2026

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

May 23, 2026

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

May 23, 2026

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

May 23, 2026

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

May 23, 2026

Me, to the printer: “Hey, could you print this out for me?” Printer: “Sure, but first I’ll show you all the sounds I can make.”

May 23, 2026

The role I play at family gatherings is that of the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore.

May 23, 2026

I’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. They just show up.

May 22, 2026

I’m so sick of TV shows and movies where there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

May 22, 2026

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

May 22, 2026

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

May 22, 2026

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

May 22, 2026

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love Island”

May 22, 2026

“AI is coming for your jobs”. I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers.

May 22, 2026

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger.

May 21, 2026

After I drink coffee, I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

May 21, 2026

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

May 21, 2026

If a beer is 8 bucks, it’s a show. If a beer is 14 bucks, it’s a concert.

May 21, 2026

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

May 21, 2026

If you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up. Follow me for more life hacks.

May 21, 2026

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

May 21, 2026

Aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

May 21, 2026

They should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year.

May 20, 2026

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

May 20, 2026

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle.

May 20, 2026

If you wanna make someone cry, just show them the earliest year they can retire.

May 20, 2026

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

May 20, 2026

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

May 20, 2026