I see why history can repeat itself. People are really stupid.

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There’s something fundamentally wrong with the way people interact with each other on LinkedIn.

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I think I’m closer to retirement than to a relationship.

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There are drug-sniffing dogs, guide dogs, dogs that save lives. And then there’s my dog, who hits the lead when he poops.

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Everyone wants a drunk text until I’m doing it at noon.

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Subtitles are for when you’re eating chips.

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Meeting Beyoncé and telling her I loved her in Goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career, just to see if it throws her off.

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I don’t think astronauts should be allowed to come back. You made your choice.

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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

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So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally, I would have known you in a past life.