Not working on myself because I make better content this way.

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If you order a pizza with veggies on it, you can tell people you had a salad.

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You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing.

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Siblings are proof you can love someone and also dislike them at the same time.

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How many jokes about lightbulbs does it take to change us?

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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

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I have more photos of food on my phone than I do of my children.

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Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinny-dipping for me.

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Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once, like a squirrel on crack.

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Soup is great for when you’re hungry but want to still feel hungry afterward.

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A haunted house, but it’s just a room full of people asking you to tell them a fun fact about yourself.