Taylor Swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals.

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It’s like my wish isn’t even your command anymore…

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Sometimes I get really mad at myself, but not like mad enough to fight myself or anything like that.

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“There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels in alphabetical order,” he said facetiously.

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I heard you like bad boys. Well, I’m bad. At everything.

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The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’. 6 weeks. Lol.

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The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good.

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Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow.

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Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night.

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At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip.

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I never wanted to become one of those adults who just find the music of the younger generation annoying. Nobody could have guessed that the music was just annoying.