Thanksgiving should be called Feaster.

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Buying groceries with no food stamps should boost your credit score.

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I was an ugly baby. It’s been downhill since then.

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My favorite military tradition is asking someone what an acronym means right after they use it, and they don’t know what it means.

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Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

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People aren’t too bad if you stay away from them and don’t go outside.

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Every job is either 8 hours of getting exposed to cancer-causing chemicals or 8 hours of staring at a Microsoft Excel sheet.

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Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.