Trying to spend less time on my phone so I can get back to something I’ve loved since childhood: watching TV.

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I’ve mastered farting, and it be loud and quick, but the key is don’t make a face or look around, so people can’t pinpoint it to you. Just act natural.

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Occupation: the ugly friend!

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You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you’re full of energy and you can’t wait to get to work? Me neither!

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The goal is never Gucci bags. It’s acres of land.

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Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

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Do men know they don’t have to keep their clothing until it disintegrates?

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I don’t have a new year resolution, you don’t need that when you’re perfect.

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You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

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I even procrastinate things I actually want to do.

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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.