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Every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know.

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Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

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Keep your friends close, but your smartphone closer.

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I try to contain my craziness, but the lid keeps popping off.

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It must be hard having an erectile dysfunction.

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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so Iโ€™m not sure she knows Iโ€™m coming with her.

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I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor.

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You look like you suck at Mario Kart.

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Want to lose weight for the summer? Don’t worry, just check in your luggage at the airport. You’ll never see those pounds again.

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I could never abuse substances, they mean a lot to me.

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Why do birds love going apeshit first thing in the morning?

Why do birds love going apeshit first thing in the morning?

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"Because even birds know it's never too early for a wild party! ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿฆ๐ŸŽ"

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