Wish I could get paid just for being a sweetheart.

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“I don’t care!”, he posted, again.

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I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 a.m. and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

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My body is in shock this morning from having to wake up early and wear hard pants.

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Why trust atoms? Because they’ve never been caught fibbing, just fission.

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Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad.

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The void screams into me.

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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a TikTok video filmed inside their car.

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Please just wait until my mating ritual is over before you decide.

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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new Pokémon called Puke-Achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life.