You ever wake up in the morning and your first thought is ‘I can’t wait to go to bed tonight’?

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I think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta. Worth every penne.

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Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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Telling my coworkers I can’t talk in meetings today because I need to save my voice for concerts this weekend.

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The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

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You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework. You can’t have both.

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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

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I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

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Some people are like sunglasses: your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat.

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Can I come over and circle you like a vulture?

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I want to clarify that what I publish on social media does not define me as a person; I am worse.