Calling women “bro” to make sure they know they’re in the deepest trenches of the friend zone.

91 shares on Threads this month:

Winter is actually awesome because if you put on a couple of movies at 5 p.m., it’s already pitch black and the evening is super long, so it feels like you’re staying up til 2 a.m., but in reality, it’s only 11 p.m. 10/10!

23 shares on Telegram this month:

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

52 shares on WeChat this month:

Cool things happen when you start hanging out outside a lot. Animals just appear and stuff.

18 shares on Snapchat this month:

It’s funny how people without pizzas in their hands actually think I’ll answer my door.

43 shares on Telegram this month:

I like when I walk with people and they note that I’m a fast walker. We’re in a race. We’re in a race and you’re losing actually.

82 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Why do we say ‘slept like a baby’? Babies wake up every two hours crying. I want to sleep like my cat—14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets.

96 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart.

75 shares on Reddit this month:

Why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula?

75 shares on Snapchat this month:

Girls know how to flirt until it’s with someone they actually like.

83 shares on Snapchat this month:

The feelings I have for Tom Cruise are the closest approximation I have to what patriotism must feel like.