178 funny Christmas quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

Dance like nobody’s watching, except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

May 21, 2026

Ho, ho, holy shit is Christmas stressful.

May 21, 2026

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

May 21, 2026

Asking Santa Claus for nudes.

May 20, 2026

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

May 20, 2026

Remember, for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries.

May 20, 2026

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf.

May 20, 2026

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

May 20, 2026

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

May 20, 2026

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

May 20, 2026

Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting well wishes for Christmas.

May 20, 2026

All I want for Christmas this year is the housing market to crash, so I could buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom house for $3.

May 19, 2026

Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore.

May 19, 2026

This year has gone by so quick. Christmas is basically tomorrow.

May 19, 2026

August is almost over. September is next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

May 19, 2026

Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

May 19, 2026

Let’s call it a year. I’ve had enough. Merry Christmas, y’all.

May 19, 2026

I’m not saying I’m old, but when I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

May 19, 2026

It’s not jingling to you that I’m standing on Christmas.

May 19, 2026

Santa’s elves listen to wrap music.

Apr 1, 2026

Over Christmas, some bastard has snuck into my house, gone into my wardrobe, stolen my work trousers, and replaced them with a smaller pair.

Apr 1, 2026

It’s funny how everyone who was all about Christmas a week ago is suddenly into New Year’s now.

Apr 1, 2026

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card, and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Apr 1, 2026

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas, I’d make them play Mario Party with me.

Apr 1, 2026

Jesus invited prostitutes to dinner and was praised for compassion. I do it, and suddenly I ‘made Christmas awkward.’

Apr 1, 2026

That gap between Christmas and New Year’s when you can’t tell what day of the week it is.

Apr 1, 2026

I hate being at the age where you feel obligated to buy your whole family gifts for Christmas, but also the age where your bank account doesn’t feel obligated to support that.

Apr 1, 2026

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east.

Apr 1, 2026

They’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. Santa’s been delivering gifts in Japan for hours by now; that list is locked. Do whatever you want.

Apr 1, 2026

Has anyone noticed what it’s beginning to look a lot like?

Apr 1, 2026

Cops wake up Christmas morning excited as hell to ignore their family and go sit on the highway with a radar gun for 10 hours.

Apr 1, 2026

Santa went woke and gave me a small solar panel instead of coal.

Apr 1, 2026

The day after Christmas is a dangerous morning to be a microwave.

Apr 1, 2026

364 days until Christmas, and people already have decorations up. Unbelievable.

Apr 1, 2026

We have now entered the void (25th December to 31st December).

Apr 1, 2026

Honey, get in the car. We have to go to the store because we’re retarded, and it’s Christmas Eve.

Apr 1, 2026

My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree.

Apr 1, 2026

Just found out my 84-year-old neighbour is on his own tomorrow, so I’ve just been over to collect his spare chairs to borrow.

Apr 1, 2026

This year, the feliz is not navidading.

Apr 1, 2026

I forgot to get milk, so Santa has a cup of Pepsi Max.

Apr 1, 2026