If it weren’t for the last minute, I’d never do anything.

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It’s my birthday, but I’m not gonna post about it for attention like some kind of loser.

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Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

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Most venomous snakes just make “Tsssss”. But I know some that say “Hi”.

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My whole life is basically a blooper reel.

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Fun fact: Did you know that removing junk food from your diet can help you lose up to 90% of your will to live?

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Apparently, when you treat people like they treat you, they get upset.

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I’m always happy when I come home from shopping and the note on the table reminds me of what I wanted to buy.

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You ever killed your own vibe by remembering?

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To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon.