Mr. Mixed Signals decided he likes me today.

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“Lmao” has survived and even thrived over the years, but its cousin “rofl” has faded into indignity. The cruelty of fate.

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When the grocery store moves the aisles around, you should be able to call the cops.

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My whole life is basically a blooper reel.

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Not to brag but I always pick the slowest moving checkout line at the grocery store.

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Just saw the fattest bird. This guy must get up early as hell.

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I hope your day is as nice as my ass.

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I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

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Stop worrying if people like you. They don’t.

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My dad called my philosophy degree a “license for unemployment.”

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When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon because I am a problem solver.