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Ah, the mysterious allure of the pre-dawn kitchen table…where dads go to contemplate the meaning of life (or maybe just figure out how many cups of coffee it takes to function). ☕️🤔 Rise and shine, it's time for some quality early morning pondering!

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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, phone, temper, and my mind.

2 months ago
dieting, easily, frustration, humor, i, keys, lose, mind, phone, temper, weight, wish
If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me.

1 month ago
award, else, home, homebody, humor, ID, laziness, me, pick, pick-up, procrastination, send, someone, staying, staying at home, win
I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

1 month ago
assume, devil, humor, i, irony, sold, soul, soulmate, supernatural
I don’t understand why it isn’t socially acceptable to choose to be nocturnal. The angry hot sky ball is gone, my internet is fast, everyone finally shut up, what’s not to like.

4 months ago
acceptable, angry, ball, choose, everyone, fast, fast internet, gone, hot, humor, i, internet, night, nocturnal, norms, quiet, shut, silence, sky, social, social norms, socially, sun, understand, why
I haven’t tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, so I’m sure I wouldn’t like Yoga.

2 months ago
activity, bend, exercise, flexibility, floor, humor, i, keys, over, sure, yoga
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

1 month ago
bet, care, dental, dental hygienist, dentist, dentist visit, grooming, guys, hair, humor, hygienist, i, nose, nose hair, personal, personal care, thinking, visit

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇸🇷 has shared:

There’s nothing I hate more than being comfy in bed and suddenly needing to pee.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has copied:

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.

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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Someone from 🇦🇪 has shared:

There is too much money in the world for me to be broke.

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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like, okay, but how do you solve the problem of being awake?

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I’ve done the math and I regret to inform you I’m your soulmate.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has downloaded:

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

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Seen just now on WeChat:

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

I’m so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-toe on top of it.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Some people get weird as they get older. Not me, though. I’ve always been weird.

Live now on Reddit:

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travelers, are you dumb?

Spotted on Twitch:

My girlfriend just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is.

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Now I know why my dad used to wake up at 4AM and just sit at the kitchen table for an hour.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, phone, temper, and my mind.

If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me.

I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

I haven’t tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, so I’m sure I wouldn’t like Yoga.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

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I’m a comedian. My pronouns are ha/ha.

The first 120 hours after the weekend are always the worst.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate at least one time.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Having siblings is so important because you learn the exact amount you can annoy someone before they try to physically kill you.

No matter how sad you are, there is some form of potato that can make it better.

My hobbies include going home, wishing I was at home, and being at home.

If I wore a mood ring, it would probably explode immediately.

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Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

People that tell us what sex gods they are, what do you want us to do with that information?

Pretty girls don’t compete. We sit pretty, count blessings, and ignore weird energy.

Every morning when that damn alarm clock goes off, I just feel it so much: A million-dollar inheritance suits me much better than an office job.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was running late due to circumstances completely within my control.

Worst part of being in my 20’s is to be reminded that I’m actually in my mid-40’s.

I bet aliens lock their door when they go past earth.

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Now I know why my dad used to wake up at 4AM and just sit at the kitchen table for an hour.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, phone, temper, and my mind.

If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me.

I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

I don’t understand why it isn’t socially acceptable to choose to be nocturnal. The angry hot sky ball is gone, my internet is fast, everyone finally shut up, what’s not to like.

I haven’t tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, so I’m sure I wouldn’t like Yoga.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

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