People will make you sad but cheese will always make you happy. The choice is simple.

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My mother still has some really ugly things from the 90s. My older brother, for example.

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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

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Why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra-long bathroom break and steal company time instead?

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If you have an old house, but you haven’t got a ghost, you should complain to the estate agent.

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I walked into a holiday party, saw someone else already playing with the dog, and realized they’d stolen my entire social strategy.

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Crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance.

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Everyone’s an expert after the fact.

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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart.

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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life,” and it’s just that they were told to unload the dishwasher.

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I’m thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing. That will really spice up my autobiography.