The name Ella is short for Mozzarella.

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I was so locked in, to the point where we were tongue-kissing with morning breath.

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Just saw the fattest bird. This guy must get up early as hell.

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Wanna come over and see my mis-matched sock collection?

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I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth.

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If you sweat while you eat, it should count as a workout.

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I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”. Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is really pissed off about something dream me did.

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Might start signing off emails with ‘well, I hope you’re happy’

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Don’t forget to overestimate your importance today.

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A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for some random stuff every other day.

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If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.