You know what brought my home value up? Not having an angry man in it.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has shared:

I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has downloaded:

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has bookmarked:

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

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Jesus Christ. I haven’t seen a meltdown like that since Chernobyl.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has shared:

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

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Is he trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or is he having a stroke?

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Why do we call it tuna fish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?

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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

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Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.