Being the introverted hopeless romantic with a high sex drive is a curse.

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To everyone I offended this year: do better next year, so I don’t have to do it again.

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I like my bacon like I like my men, slightly burnt and crispy, and probably killing me slowly.

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Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial. They have free will.

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Vegetables are actually pretty good when they’re fried.

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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

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I’m super lazy today. It’s like normal lazy but I’m wearing a cape.

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Therapy isn’t enough. I need to be electrocuted and get my memory erased.