Eating wings is the opposite of flying.

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Why go to the art museum when I can just stare at you?

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I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.

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Life tip: if nothing goes right, go to sleep.

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Bartenders be like “here’s that receipt, I’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”.

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When it rains in New York, the train starts smelling like hamster.

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A more accurate description would be ‘The Darker Web’.

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Not all works of art are in a museum. I, for example, am lying on the couch at home.