Every time my neighbors start moaning, I pause my music to rate the performance.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has viewed:

Saw a big spider crawl into my closet last night. He’s probably in there trying on all my clothes, acting like he’s me.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has downloaded:

Capri Sun tastes as if scientists had bet that they could make fruit juice without fruit.

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I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.

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Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu. And then he has questions. Please send help.

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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

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I don’t need a midlife crisis. My whole life is a crisis.