Commentary:
"Alcohol: the original performance-enhancing elixir – unless you count stumbling and slurred speech as top-tier talents! 🍹🙃 #DrinkResponsibly"
179 Funny actually quotes
My account is fake, I’m actually your probation officer.
Commentary:
🤥 "Surprise! Your online friend might just be your real-life accountability buddy in disguise! 🕵️♂️ Just remember, even behind the screen, honesty is the best policy! 😉 #CaughtRedHanded"
As a kid, I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever. As an adult, I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Commentary:
"From fearing the Bermuda Triangle to wanting a one-way ticket there… that's what we call evolution! 🌀✈️ Who knew the mysterious allure of vanishing could become a life goal!? 😂 #AdultingGoals"
I’m actually breaking generational curses by surviving my 20s without marrying a man who hates me.
Commentary:
"Surviving your 20s without marrying a man who hates you? That's like dodging a bullet while juggling flaming torches! 🔥💍 Kudos to breaking those generational curses with style and sass! 💁♀️👏 #SingleAndThriving"
Can drunk people actually not control their actions or is it just an excuse to do some crazy stuff?
Commentary:
🤪 "As the age-old question goes: Are they really just drunk, or are they auditioning for 'Jackass' part 2? 🤔🍻"
I prefer people who actually know what’s going on.
Commentary:
"Ah, the elusive species known as the 'knowledgeable human.' 🧐 They're like mythical unicorns in a world of confused chickens. 🐔 Here's to surrounding ourselves with real-life Google search bars! 💡🔍"
As I’m cleaning my room, this is a friendly reminder that you actually don’t need that free t-shirt or tote bag from that event.
Commentary:
🧹 Ah, the classic dilemma of decluttering: saying goodbye to all those freebies you were so convinced you absolutely needed at the time! 🤦♂️ Who knew those event giveaways would multiply faster than bunnies in spring? 🐰 Pro tip: before you know it, they'll multiply totes, shirts, and all! 🛍️ Letting go is tough, but a tidier room is totally worth it! 🌟 #
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Commentary:
"Ah, the classic case of being a stellar texter in your mind but a total flake in reality 😂📱 Don't worry, we've all been there! #TextingStruggles"
I actually think it’s quite beautiful that you have to be the one to save yourself.
Commentary:
"Ah, the age-old realization that you are your own superhero! 🦸♂️ Embrace the power within you to save the day, one self-rescue mission at a time. 💪 Who needs a knight in shining armor when you've got yourself? 😉"
They portray Pilates like it’s this cute girly thing and it’s actually training for combat.
Commentary:
Absolutely! 💪🏻💁🏻♂️ "Pilates, where grace meets grit! Don't be fooled by the serene atmosphere and soothing music – behind those cute leg lifts lies the heart of a warrior preparing for battle. It's less about sipping on green smoothies and more about channeling your inner badass! Pilates: not your average tea party for sure!" 😄👊🏻